voluntary amputation

I just cut off 15 inches of hair.

well not just, it was this afternoon, about 3:30.
initially i was shocked at how short it is.

i held myself together on the way home but as soon as i got back into the cottage i started sobbing. its just wayyyy shorter than i wanted/expected.

but after a mini counseling sesh (thanks justine and cottage girls)
and a round with the flat iron (thanks shaye)

i totally love it.

im sending my hair to panteen beautiful lengths.

its an organization that makes wigs for the american cancer society.
My hair will go to a chick who needs it way more than i did, and that's pretty awesome.

i have been talking about making the cut for a year now, but i had been holding on.
(if you are thinking about donating they only need 8 inches)

well im going to bed now, i might write more about this later (with more pictures), but it has been a traumatic day.

the moment of truth.

so i watched the moment of truth while i was home for spring break. its crazy!!!!
the game show seems simple enough- the contestant is asked 50 questions ahead of time while hooked up to a lie detector test.

if they answer the questions 100% truthfully they win money. but one lie and the contestant loose everything.
the questions start out funny, "have you ever lied on you income taxes?" but they get way more personal.

watching the show just makes me realized how screwed up humans are.

so this girl admits to cheating on her husband and wins $100,000. then she is given the chance to double her money by answering three more questions.
they ask "do you think you are a good person"
she says "yes"
and her answer is deemed false.

so she cheated on her husband which is horrible.
but i almost think it is worse that she still thinks she is a good person. i think this is one reason its so hard to reach people in our culture. it's hard to get people to understand that they are sinners. everything is so relative. and to me relative truth makes no sense. i mean truth is truth right? i just cant wrap my head around it.

and then sometimes i forget what a crappy person i am. i do not deserve grace, none of us do.
but i do know if i ever went on that show i would be alright with saying i am not a good person. because im not. im a sinner. and i screw up all the time. but the awesome thing is that is doesn't matter. because i have grace.

here is that hour long episode in about three minutes.

sex and accountability.

so i realized i don't know how to hold people accountable to stuff.
like do i just call them up and say,
"Hi! It's rachel. are you having sex with your boyfriend?"

on that note... sex.
and love. and dating. and marriage. and attraction. and purity. and sex. and God's plan for my life.it feels weird to say that i have been learning a lot about those subjects lately, because the reality is i have never even dated anyone, well kinda have, but not really.

so i have been typing sentences and then deleting them. and the typing some more stuff and then deleting it. i had a few paragraphs but decided not to post it.
maybe i will finish this thought, but maybe not.

other news: i keep getting sick. all i want to do is sleep. im still coughing a little and my nose is stuffed up but i think im pretty much better.
we will see how i feel in the morning (read afternoon) when i wake up for class.

why i dont hate the fact that i am still in riverside.

i feel really sick today. something is going around the school.
:[

so i was talking to my mom about being sick and a hour later my mom, dad, and hannah show up on my doorstep with hot apple cider for me. such a surprise.
:]
we had a nice short visit and i got to hold my puppy, whom i love. and get hugs from mom and dad.

i originally wanted to leave riverside and move away as soon as high school was over but i really love cbu and i think i might have chosen to go here even if "here" was somewhere else. seriously. i love this school.